Fool's Paradise
by Apathyisdeath
Summary: The expression on Kaidan's face hadn't changed: it never would. She let the photo return to its usual position, not hiding yet. She hadn't been away for two years, she hadn't changed. Everything around her had...fem!Shep/Kaidan fluff, and eventual angst.


_A/N: Jeepers! A serious-ish Mass Effect fan fic? In which I spew fluff and angst. In that order. Sequel coming soon about the actual dreaded "About Horizon..." message. Reviews keep me with partial sanity, please don't let me go insane. Voldemort out, bitches._

**Fool's Paradise**_  
"Mountains make you crazy, here it's safe and sound.  
My mind is somewhere hazy, my feet are on the ground.  
Everything is balanced here and on an even keel.  
Everything is perfect...nothing's real."_

To say Jane Shepard couldn't dance was an understatement. She had vowed many years ago that she would never embarrass herself that way in public again. Shepard hated that zippy, gibberish music of Flux, and thought anyone who danced to it to be a total moron. Yet, that was exactly what she had done tonight. Thankfully, no one had seemed to notice her complete lack of rythym and badly-timed steps, or had been too polite to tell her.

Tired out and laughing in spite of herself, Shepard had been dragged back to the Normandy by a more energetic Kaidan. Shore leave had only been going for the past three days, yet they had wasted no time together. Their relationship in front of the crew was, however, kept strictly professional; but it was yet to be seen if it would differ greatly in private. Ilos had not been a long time ago, and Shepard was cautious to ruin things.

They sat now in her cramped quarters. A small couch had been little to ask for, and Shepard had actually managed to get one somehow. Shepard was humming some out-of-reach song, as Kaidan rested his head on her lap, legs swung carelessly over the arm of the couch and looking up at her with amusement. Shepard didn't seem to notice his staring, and continued humming loudly.

"Shepard," he tried to say her name as seriously as possible. The woman looked down at him, the fun and temporary carefree glint still in her eyes from Flux, but her face expectant.  
"Shut up." He laughed. Shepard's face fell into mock-offense, pouting down at him.

"You don't have to be so blasé. You could let me down gently, Lieutenant. All this time-!" Kaidan proceeded to interrupt her dramatic gibberings. He poked Shepard in her side. The woman scowled.  
"Don't make me come down there." She growled playfully.  
"Why? Because Commander Shepard's_ ticklish_?" Kaidan grinned at her. Shepard gasped, and defended herself.  
"And how did you find that out?"  
Kaidan chuckled. "One word; Ilos."

The onslaught of poking ended up in hands flying every which way, offending flesh and tickling skin, whilst Shepard mainly tried to catch Kaidan's hands with her , the torture eventually waned and Shepard thanked whatever divine force there may be in the universe. She heard her lieutenant sigh peacefully.

Shepard smiled at him, at his unusual peace.  
"What?" She let out, the word surrounded by a gentle laugh. She let her right hand fall softly onto his forehead, index finger lightly tracing circles. He seemed thoughtful for a moment.  
"I wonder what things would be like if we were different." He mumbled. Shepard looked confused.  
"Huh?" She offered. "What do you mean?"  
"I mean...what if you were someone else, if you hadn't been the only one out of fifty to survive on Akuze, or hadn't grown up on Earth." Kaidan let this statement hang in the air for a few moments.

"You can't be serious," Shepard laughed. "Really, Kaidan, you're such a sentimentalist."  
The man in question let his eyebrows furrow in an awkward expression.  
"I'm just saying, Shepard. You just...don't talk about yourself much." Kaidan crossed arms over his chest, which was awkward given his position. Shepard cocked an eyebrow at him. She wasn't used to anyone asking, really.  
"Do you mean before or after Fagin took me in and taught me to steal, teaching me tha-"  
Kaidan held up his hands, chuckling slightly in spite of himself. "Alright, you don't want to tell me."  
"I do...just not yet. It's difficult to talk about." She smiled down at him, that smile he loved and clung to for longer than she knew.  
"Ok," he smiled back. "Ok." For a few ensuing moments they smiled at each other without any particular aim until the silence was pierced.

"I-I love you." Kaidan had blurted. No, he was glad he had done it. He didn't know where he stood with Shepard. His palms were rather warm now.

Shepard smiled down at the man before looking away, panicking internally. She hadn't been so involved with someone since...well, not a long time. She did love him, but she couldn't bring herself to say it out loud, not yet, anyway. It seemed like a death sentence for the both of them.

Shepard shifted in her seat slightly and let her gaze wander to her merciless, back-pain enducing plank of a bed as she mined the depths of her thoughts, and her background.  
"If you really want to know, Kaidan; I'll tell you." Shepard announced, almost silently. Kaidan sat up, his form straightening to sit next to his Commander as he looked at her with that look she...couldn't place.

* * *

**Over Two Years Later  
**Shepard's hands had fallen onto the cold desk in front of her. They rested in front of her body, and her head lolled slightly in the direction of the desk. To anyone else, she would have seemed to have been asleep, but she wasn't. Her private terminal glowed and blinked, the blush of light glowed an orange hue onto her downcast face.

She was intent on examining the table. Horizon had been a complete and utter disaster. What was she suppose to be anymore? A leader, or a traitor? Sometimes the boundaries would blur and it was difficult to tell things apart. Cerebus had probably killed her unit on Akuze. Shepard rested a hand on her face and let out a shuddering, ragged breath at the thought. _Oh my god. _She could see them all now. All those men and women. Friends. Lined up, death. She had to keep on going, for everyone who couldn't and those who wouldn't without her.

Cold, flailing hands reached out to grab the photo on her desk as the orange clock, emanating its typical glow, indicated late hours in the night cycle. She grabbed the bottom corner of the photo, just looking at it. Those eyes wouldn't look at her. They'd forgotten who she was, and it was difficult to know if they ever knew her, or tell if they were ever filled with that unidentifiable emotion.

Metallic scrapings from outside her chamber didn't bother her. Commander Shepard's eyes were heavy; from exhaustion, but perhaps from something else. She smiled gently at the photo through the weight of her tears, picking it up in her hands for a closer look. For one, blissful moment she indulged herself and let a warm tear leave its glittery trail on her face.

The door to her cabin whooshed open innocently and Shepard attempted to quickly paw the offending tear from her face, before looking over her shoulder. it was Jack; grinning, no less. Odd. Miranda must be upset.

"Shep-Shep!" Jack barked, fun creeping into her voice. "I am taking you to-are you crying?"  
The young woman had paused to give Shepard a thoughtful look, eyebrows narrowing and head bent. Shepard didn't bother to give her one of those looks, but instead tacked her Commander-voice on to the sound, not wanting the Jane-voice to creep into play.  
"No," She shook her head. "Just tired." She lifted the corner of her mouth. Jack understood.

"Anyway Shep, get your coat; we are going to the Dark Star. I want to _forget _anything from the past two decades." Shepard smiled fully at this.  
"Field trip?" She offered.  
"Field trip." Jack confirmed.

The young woman was already headed out the door. Commander Shepard returned her gaze to the photo she didn't realise she still held. The expression on Kaidan's face hadn't changed: it never would. She let the photo return to its usual position, not wanting to hide it away just yet. She hadn't been away for two years, she hadn't changed. Everything around her had.

She hesitated before following Jack. Eveything_ had _changed. Ashley's death already seemed like an eternity away, like Ashley had never really been here. Everyone had dispersed.

Shepard was buckled down into her new life, and for now; that would do. It was hard to tell if anything in the past had ever properly happened, if it would claim to have lasted long enough. Even the clubs on the Citadel had gone through a massive change. She smiled at the silly thought, and at Jack's ability to lift her spirits. She was so tormented, yet she reminded Shepard of a little girl sometimes; eager to run around and test the world. The murdering, not so much.

Shepard's eyes drifted from Kaidan's blank face to the private terminal, before following Jack out into the early hours of the Citadel's morning cycle.


End file.
